GUEST WRITER: Despina Senatore and the Juggling Act of Womanhood
We all want to excel in all of the aspects of our lives, from home to work and the hobbies and socialising in between. But I think we all know that it’s easier said than done!
Professional and personal development trainer and founder of Purposeful Woman, Despina Senatore, has some insightful tips for us to regain balance in our lives.
Elana
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CAN WOMEN HAVE IT ALL?
The question ‘Can women have it all?’ is one that gets asked often.
For me, the first thing that comes to mind whenever I hear that questions is: ‘All’ by whose definition?
If the question means, ‘Can women have a career and be a mother and wife at the same time?’ the answer is clearly ‘yes’ – women have been doing this for decades, perhaps even longer.
If the question, however, becomes ‘Can a woman give 100% to her work, 100% to her children, 100% to her husband, 100% to her friends, 100% to her hobbies, etc. all of the time?’, I think that’s where ‘having it all’ becomes more opaque, and where the unfortunate label of ‘superwoman’ probably emanates from.
I’ll use myself as an example, and I’m sure this will resonate with other moms. I worked in a corporate career for 12 years before I had my first child. Returning from maternity leave, things weren’t as straightforward as before. I could no longer stay in the office until 7.30pm, 9pm, or 11pm at night. There was no coming into the office at 5.00am to get a board report finalised or arrive at 7.00 am for a meeting. My circumstances had changed: I now had a little person that needed to be fed, bathed and in bed at a certain time, or taken to the doctor during the day – and I was ‘mom’. Even though I left work at 5pm most days, once the little guy was asleep, I worked for a few more hours before going to bed. There was a constant feeling of needing to prove that I was still committed to my career that stayed with me until I left the corporate environment six years and another two children later.
Then, there was the ‘mom guilt’ – that feeling that you get when you’re in one place (at work), but feel that you should be in the other (with the children). I never realised how much the guilt weighed on me until I resigned. For me, personally, trying to give 100% to work, 100% to the children and 100% to my husband all of the time, led to burnout. And, to be honest, I did a really poor job of it all. I was trying to be everything to everyone and it didn’t work. My definition of having it all meant trying to keep everything the same at work (and even doing more than before) regardless of the fact that things at home had changed — having added a husband and three small children to the equation. Having it all in that sense, I believe, is impossible and is setting yourself up for not only an emotional tug-of-war and resentment towards those around you, but also for burnout.
My suggestion to any working mother who wants to have it all, is to first define what that means for you. Once you’re clear about that, it’s about making choices and then purposefully putting in the necessary support to help you achieve that. You cannot do it all on your own.
If you decide that your career is going to be your priority, then understand that the trade-off is time with your children and husband. It means realising that you’re not going to make every soccer match or school concert. It means not being there for homework, being late for dinner and possibly bed time and being okay with that.
If you decide that your children will take priority, understand that you won’t be able to attend every early or late meeting, that you might miss after-hour events and that your climb up the corporate ladder might not be as swift as you might want it to be, and being okay with that.
As a professional business coach, here are some of the questions I would ask my clients grappling with this issue:
What does having it all mean for you?
What does it look like?
Are you being realistic?
If not, how can you redefine your expectations to be more realistic?
If yes, what do you need to change or do to achieve this?
What support structures do you need to put in place to make this a reality?
What changes would you need to make to get you to that reality?
It all comes down to making the choices that are right for you and your circumstances, and being okay with whatever those choices are. Women can have it all, but having it all will mean different things to different women. And that should be okay too.
Despina Senatore