The Parent + Baby Brunch Connection Session

Are you a new parent that needs a little extra support right now?

We had the first very special (and free!) Parent + Baby Brunch ‘Connection Session’ event last week, and if you missed it, you can watch it all now!

Connect with other parents, take in some practical advice that could save your marriage, and gain a new depth of support for new moms and dads – with Elana Afrika-Bredenkamp, psychologist Joey Reekie and executive coach and counsellor Paul Nyamuda.

Brought to you by Fedhealth Medical Aid & supported by Epi-max & Jacaranda 94.2

BABY BRUNCH CONNECTION SESSION

Hey everyone and welcome to this video of our very first parents and Baby Brunch connection session. Now everyone asked me what is a connection session. Normally when we have our parents and Baby Brunch events it's lush with performances and big goodie bags and lots of glitz but after a year of a pandemic where we are feeling mentally depleted I realize that it's time for us to connect and that is what the connection session is all about.

We're taking things right down to bringing in our speakers and having a close group of parents together who can get advice from the experts and also we can bring that advice to you on this video. A big thank you to our support also to our speakers and please enjoy and just know that  are not alone. Welcome to our very first parent and Baby Brunch connection session.

Welcome to our parents in baby branch connection session if you don't follow us yet you might as well do so it's at babybranch.co.za. We pride ourselves to the fact that we are a subscription free network or website or support network for mums because a lot of websites want us to pay a fee in order to get some form of newsletter or I don't know some kind of support and because of the people that support parents and Baby Brunch we were able to do so. So a big thank you to our support for this connection session and even in previous years. To Fed Health, a big thank you to you, to EpiMax that has supported us all these years, Jacaranda FM I live here practically and my amazing technical team but thank you to all of you! Jacaranda FM is the biggest independent radio station, what's really cool is that you can download our app so you can follow us anywhere you want so Jacaranda FM it's called, people sometimes say 942, no we're just Jacaranda FM good old, so please listen to us especially when you are on holiday.

Parent and Baby Brunch has been around for the past six years and the reason it was born was because I realized when I had my first baby that there wasn't enough support around for moms and all the books were either American based and my support was busy when the baby was born. My mum said to me, well I need to go to church today and my mother-in-law said but I’ve got a quilting group, so I was stuck there with a baby and I’m going I don't know how to breastfeed and I don't know where to go and that is how Baby Brunch started. We then later on developed it to Parent and Baby Brunch to include all parents and we've been really lucky the past six years because other than our support network on our website we have created amazing videos for parents to watch and our podcast which is just plain old audio that you click on that you get to listen to, has become the number one parenting podcast in the country. Now we can boast with stats and that would be really amazing, but we would be nothing if we didn't help someone and that is what our aim is to create a subscription-free platform and free events so that moms and dads can feel like they're not alone. 

Tonight is not a long session and to everyone who's watching our videos you'll be able to digest the information that comes from here because it is real stories from real people who's going through real things that you are going through and if you hear any noises from the outsiders only because here where we are at a hunting event for the first time it's busy pouring down and storming but here we are. Thank you so much for going on to babybrunch.co.za as well and supporting us as much as we are supporting you. Now this is tonight's format, we have two speakers that I can't wait to hear from. I have had only good reviews from them and tonight other than seeing Paul on YouTube and seeing some of his books and having testimony from some of Joey's people that she works with, this is the first time I’m actually hearing them talk because we've been living in such a crazy world of isolation and so Joey it's really a privilege to see you here. After that we'll have a short Q&A if there are any questions keep it short so that if you want to see Joey you're welcome to do so in your private capacity at her practice and the same with Paul who's just amazing at helping many many couples and people to understand their circumstances and to understand self. They say that self-work is the hardest work because it means you have to deal with yourself and we have experts here that can help us and that can help us navigate through life. With that if there's any other guests they're welcome to come in and have a seat Bron? None at this stage. No problem at all. Joey Reekie is one of our first speakers for today and what is exciting is, is that I got to know her as she rates as one of the best psychologists by the way in Gauteng, so I’m giving you that title tonight because I tell you why I find you fascinating and why I love having you here. You're a mom, you've suffered loss through having a baby early but gained the biggest gift of life and it is remarkable that with Parent and Baby Brunch every time we work with anyone we realize that they're actually doing what they're doing because something happened to them, and something happened to Joey and that's why she's a psychologist today and that's why she's helping people. So I mean Joey there's a long introduction here that's talking about your wins your successes how you came to be passionate about women specifically, but I think I’m going to hand it over to you and please this is your audience thank you so much, Joey Reekie.

JOEY REEKIE ON POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

Thank you very much Elana, whoa what an introduction and I just want to say that I’m so privileged to be here and I know all the work that you do you know I’ve been following you for many years so and this is an absolute pleasure. I’ve been asked to talk about postpartum depression and you know and like most psychological conditions that we have it is not something that we often talk about and unfortunately there's still a stigma attached to it you know none of us walk around having had a baby and going oh my baby is two months old but I’ve got postpartum depression you know I can't get out of bed like I’ve really really battled want with my baby no none of us do that. You know we put pictures on Facebook and pictures on Twitter of our babies and we show everybody we are the happiest our babies are the cutest we are bonding with them we have no problems because that is that is what we've been taught and yet um Elana I don't if you know, 30 to 40 percent of women today um well not today during all times suffer um to an extent with postpartum depression um either during pregnancy or during pregnancy and after pregnancy and but yet we don't talk about it and I don't understand why you know it's something that's happened to our moms it's something that's happened to our grandparents um but we don't talk about it and we don't ask for help so I’m going to go through the technical um technical aspect of what this this actually is what it entails and um in between I also share my personal story. you guys are comfortable with that? So postpartum depression for those of you that don't know um it is it is a very severe depression and anxiety disorder that happens after pregnancy however 50% of it starts already during pregnancy with 50% of the cases and we find that um the part that is during pregnancy we call peripartum depression and when it and then it moves over to postpartum depression. 

Um it is not baby blues I mean I’m sure all of you have heard the word baby blues and what we refer to as baby blues in the common language is a very um a very common or actually 99% of women experiences it where straight after birth your birth hormones your oestrogen and your progesterone drops significantly and this causes a severe drop in mood so for the first two to three weeks I don't know whose gynaecologist has ever warned them of this but um once you give birth you are going to experience a drop in mood for the first two to three weeks you're going to feel irritable you're going to want to cry all the time and you're not going to understand why but normally this resolves after about three weeks after birth so when we talk about postpartum depression we talk about a very severe depression and a very severe anxiety that continues and that doesn't stop also one thing that I have to point out it doesn't necessarily have to start straight after birth postpartum depression can still occur up to 12 months after birth so just because you are okay today um after you've had your baby doesn't mean that you will feel the same way in six months. And all of us differ and like I say some women already starts experiencing these symptoms before birth. Okay so um symptoms of postpartum depression I’ve mentioned severe anxiety when I say anxiety and I mean anxiety attacks that can become crippling you know that is so severe that you don't feel like you can function or that you can breathe or talk even so it includes panic attacks it is a sense of being overwhelmed by motherhood, a loss of interest in caring for your baby, unable to bond with your baby, and feels unequipped to deal with a baby, helplessness, hopelessness, numbness, despondency, a sense that you are losing control, irrational fears that something is going to happen to your baby sadness, irritability and unfortunately suicidal thoughts. Um I think here Elana I’m going to share my story of course it will fit in at this point. 

So, um during my first marriage and that lasted for 10 years and I lost two babies and I was eventually told that I will not be able to carry a baby to term, so um I then decided you know um babies are not for me I didn't go the whole process of I have to have a baby at all costs and I decided that my husband and I are going to travel um the world. At that time I was a head of human resources for a large organization, I was um practicing as an industrial psychologist so I made my work and traveling and experiencing all these types of things my priority and I tried as hard as I could to put babies out of my mind. Okay and after some traumatic personal experiences and all happening so to speak and I lost my job, I lost my marriage, and I lost my house all in a very very short space of time, and this knocked me I mean at the time my work was literally my identity and you know it's I made it everything so um I was knocked hard. I moved to Cape Town from Johannesburg um and at the time I said to my mom you know what I need to get away for a couple of months luckily I could do it financially and I asked my mom to join me on a trip to Peru.

You might not believe this Elana but we were in a massive accident in Peru um on a boat so apart from the trauma that we both suffered was hugely traumatic we were with a group of international people that I’m still in contact with today and we also we also suffered both my mom and I significant and significant injury. So only reason I’m mentioning this is this will play out my pregnancy to a massive way later on okay coming back and from six weeks having had my mom in surgery in Peru just all the trauma and my partner at the time then asked me to marry him and it just so happened that I had to go for a couple of surgeries and that I underwent and I ended up having surgery two weeks before my before my wedding day and with my with my second husband um so yeah I must say bye this time I was already exhausted you know I’ve already been through so much um but I never asked for help never went to trauma counselling nothing as such and my husband and I got married, very sexy man, um and he I said to him he's already had two kids so he said to me you know I don't want a baby he's done all of that and I was like oh don't worry I can't do it can't fall pregnant but God had other plans.

So, and within a year of my of my marriage um I felt pregnant very unexpectedly certainly not unwelcome I mean it was a shock for me I was 38 years old and not something that I planned in any way but the biggest blessing that I’ve ever been given. Moving on my health my health problems progressed during my pregnancy and I ended up having to be hospitalized at six months for the last three months of my pregnancy so I couldn't really eat and they had to tube feed me and this eventually led to me developing a blood clot and I got a pulmonary embolism in my lung and I had to take my baby out eight weeks premature and so you know what I don't think Elana this is another thing we never talk about I never hear people talk about having a prim baby you know the trauma of being rushed to the theatre now please take note that my story is an extreme one and obviously 99% of women are never going to experience this thankfully and but you know the outcome is exactly the same and so you know by the time I woke up in ICU and only allowed me to see my baby five days after she was born and they had to put me under during the birth so I never saw her and so you know when I when I finally went home I was emotionally and physically broken and finished but what do we do as women we act like everything is cool you know my baby is in ICU I see her every single day and I send pictures to everybody as we do and I’m all A-okay and looking back at it now and I was thinking preparing for this how I remember how I was lying in hospital and my best girlfriends came and saw me and my one friend said to me and I mean these are people that I trust with everything in my life you know they've been part of my life most of it and I remember one of my closest friends said to me Joey are you okay you know this is a big deal you're going through a lot are you okay do you need help and I remember saying to her no I’m fine you know this is all this is all cool and yet I wasn't. 

Um once my baby got home I was very surprised to find that I wasn't really a happy mom and you know that I was exhausted, I was irritable you know there were times that she was crying excessively and I would feel like I could shake her I’ve had many moms telling me that you know shocking as that might sound you know like I really want to shake her um like I cannot cope I was constantly crying my husband eventually got me a helper and I just wasn't coping um it took an occurrence at our home where um armed men entered our house and kept me and my baby hostage I actually held a gun to my baby's head and said that if I don't do everything that they tell me to do and they are going to kill my child she was only just a couple of months old and that was the catalyst that finally broke the camel's back.

I had an acute psychic breakdown for those of you that don't know what that means and I started using um destructive coping mechanisms such as misusing alcohol which is very common in postpartum depression another thing that we don't talk about because that's a means on which you can feel you can cut you know you can cope when you've had a bottle of wine um and I ended up having to go to hospital for quite a long time I didn't realize what it was at the time and I never asked for help. So um in its worst form postpartum depression can develop into what we call postpartum psychosis and that means a woman actually starts getting hallucinations and delusions and these become quite severe. At this point a woman has to be hospitalized as we find that the um suicide at this point is very common the hallucinations can go as far as telling you that you should harm your baby, I’ve had women telling me that they have heard you know they've heard voices telling them that their baby is bewitched and there is quite a number of cases where women has actually gone as far as harming their child. So please people postpartum depression is not something to to play with it is something that needs that needs a system that needs support. You know some women experience a mild form of it where you can only go and talk to someone or get your support system in place and that's enough whilst other women need more support I also now want to bring in another form.

We are also more and more realizing that that men gets this you know and the causes of men is mostly financial difficulties you know the woman the woman takes off work she doesn't get paid the man has to carry it feelings of inadequacy um on the men's side feelings that they constantly get criticized that they've lost their independence so what do you do you know when you feel that you've got um that you've got this you know that you need help? First thing, remember asking for help is not giving up asking for help is always refusing to give up and that is very important to realize so ask for help, rest sleep, I know men and women laugh at me when you tell them that because how do you sleep and rest very very important what we do when we deal with a woman or man that suffers from this we make sure that we we pull on the support that they have around them to enable them to get some rest and you know something as simple as sleeping when your baby sleeps very important um honesty and communication pulling on your support system and if you have a partner you know making time for each other from the professional help which is very important go for counselling, see a psychologist ask your gynaecologist or a doctor or a psychiatrist you know who specializes in this like myself go and see this person secondly you would have to go into medication and I always say to patients you know and we've only recently started realizing that your brain is an organ just like your kidney so you know if you've got a pro if you've got a problem with your kidney you take medication so I mean don't fear don't fear taking psychiatric medication during this time it is there to assist you and it is very effective and lastly see your gynaecologist because we do find that some woman has um you know severe hormonal imbalances and this this really impacts on it so please um please go to have a test done and lastly but not least and women will always say to me you know what does this mean that I don't love my child you know these feelings that I have, um no it doesn't you know I have my little girl is now seven I have a most amazing bond with her and she's incredible I’ve had my treatment I’ve and it it's you can overcome it you know it is something that is not permanent but please talk about it men saying to you and um reach out for that kind of help. Joey, genade, Joey Reekie everyone! Thank you.

We're having an incredible time because we haven't connected with people in a long while um even an albeit socially distant it's wonderful to see other parents and people who go through the same things that all of us go through uh parenting issues. It’s not a money thing it's not an LSM thing you know in the business world we think you know, the more money you have the better off you are but I love what Joey has said about communication asking for help putting your hand up and men we don't want you to feel shame oh no we want you to say I can do this and we want you to say I need help too.

PAUL NYAMUDA ON HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Now our next speaker is extraordinary and I’m very excited he should also be really tired by now because he's already been at another function he's spoken to a group of business people that I think depleted him because they all wanted a little bit of him but I’m so excited that he's joining us tonight so Paul Nyamuda I know that you're a leadership expert you help many people in marriages whether it is uh personal maturity or even self-growth it is wonderful to know that you've written all these books that are about people. You're the CEO of your company, it's wonderful to have you, uh www.paulnyamuda.com if you want to find out more about him we're also tagging him in our social media so please follow the guy and watch his YouTube videos but more importantly buy the books and also watch this video because we asked you to bring a concise version of and how is that even possible about how to save your marriage and when we spoke about it the one thing we said we could touch on is communication and I’m going to hand over to you because this is your time thank you so much for coming to our parents and Baby Brunch connection session.

Thank you so much thank you so much uh Elana thank you so much Joey that was also very interesting I enjoyed that and it's such a privilege being here. One of the things I always say is that great marriages are built one conversation at a time and if you master the art of conversing in marriage it just takes it to another level it's not about personality types and so on it's about mastering the art of having a conversation and I want to go straight into the first conversation we'll see how much time we've got.

The first one is the appreciation conversation we all know that people leave their jobs primarily because they didn't feel appreciated right, people are breaking up in terms of their marriages today where you hear them saying I was a good wife Paul, I was a good husband Paul, but I felt taken for granted. A lot of people who are married today and they live in what we call relationship ambivalence where the marriage is too bad to stay but too good to leave okay, and you can stay like that for a number of years in that ambivalent state and often it's because you feel this strong loneliness deep deep loneliness because you don't feel appreciated and so I always say to people you get what you appreciate okay, you get what you appreciate people will always gravitate to where they're celebrated not where they're tolerated okay, simple as that so when I speak to the treasure in my wife she becomes more of that you know what, I mean if I say to you Elana you just crack me up you're too funny what are you going to spend the rest of the evening doing cracking jokes. If I have a meeting with Joey and I said Joey you all are so thorough and prepared whenever we have our meetings next meeting she'll be thorough and prepared, so you get what you appreciate.

Now I asked myself the question some time back, why don't we communicate appreciation a lot, we don't, you know, why don't we do so sometimes it's because we just think especially in our marriages um that's his role this is my role and it cancels each other out you know what I mean he's playing his part I’m playing my part so we don't need to thank each other you know right? Um that's one of the reasons for a whole lot of other reasons but practical tools and when I work with couples I like to coach them with very practical tools, so how do I communicate appreciation you have to appreciate your spouse for three major things: Firstly you appreciate their personality okay, that's the P, you're going to see the acronym is PAD that I use okay, uh personality all right so there was a time when um I was out somewhere my wife was hosting a function at our house and when I arrived I arrived late for the function and she said to me my love I’m so glad you're here it takes the pressure off me you can bring in your bubbly sunshine yellow personality that's what she said to me and I felt like sure I’m being appreciated just for who I am I hadn't done anything right, so you appreciate for personality. The second thing you appreciate is ability, so we could have a meeting I could have a meeting with you and I could say oh we missed you last week because you know you always just integrate what everyone has said and you ask so in such incisive questions, thanks Elana for coming back again right, what am I doing, I’m appreciating you for your ability right?

Then the third one is you appreciate people for their deeds for what they did, I’m not exaggerating if my wife cooks a meal for example I can thank her about three or four times throughout the process while she's cooking it I can go give a little squeeze and I say my love thanks so much you've just been on a long ride she's a triathlete just been on a long ride and now you making this wonderful meal thanks I appreciate it, then while we're eating okay my Presh this is so nice I don't call my wife after names of foods like many people do honey sugar pumpkin yeah or if you travel a lot my part course okay uh call her my precious one or my love right and I say like oh this is tasting really nice and then after the meal oh thanks this was really nice now you might think that's overkill but what is that doing it's reinforcing a sense of significance in a what's a sense of significance one of the pillars of self-esteem one of my books on self-esteem building your self-esteem there's six pillars of self-esteem one of them is the sense of significance that feeling of I matter right, that's what I’m actually doing all right, um so you appreciate someone because of their personality, you appreciate someone because of their ability, you appreciate them because of their deeds now here's the thing when you're communicating appreciation for someone's deeds the couple of things you have to do. 

The first is communicate the benefit to you so I might say my love I really appreciate that you took the kids to your folks on Saturday right what is the benefit for me, it just gave me some space to watch my soccer in peace, it just gave me some space to edit that book okay so I’m communicating the benefit the other thing is you communicate the sacrifice involved, it knows that often we say thank you and the other person is like you're thanking me like I’ve just given you a sweet, you don't know how hard this was right, whenever you think you communicate the sacrifice, thanks so much my Presh for taking the kids to your folks I know you weren't feeling hundred percent when you did so okay so that's a quick summary of the appreciation conversation in terms of how we do it that's the first conversation I want to give you. 

Can I go to the next one or do you wanna say something about it? No! I’m just intrigued apart from the Padkos parts I mean which left me really hungry, I think most of the time we just you know when people say something like oh you should communicate more, what does that even mean right, so you'll talk and then you'll fight right, we even have a podcast on why couples fight, because it feels so nice right when I can hurt someone or with my words right because that's what we think in that moment yeah but when you when you give us context of communication and how it can improve your own life, I also want to say this I know that there are some of our audience not just there but here in the room that no longer have a partner right, but what Paul is also practically talking about is actually affirmations of self as well, and you can practice that to yourself and also in the business world in your work environment right this is amazing stuff please continue! 

Definitely, let me just say something about that appreciation you know I remember with a particular couple I then said to them, I would like you to make a long list of what you appreciate in your spouse so they listed listen and I said to them I want you to communicate this to them, three a day, three from that list each day and then it becomes a habit you know where you always saying these things and it's amazing where it takes you and the reason I’m emphasizing this is very often you'll find moms in particular who bury themselves in their children like I want to be a great mom I want to be a great mom great mom and then there's this tension what Joey's talking about earlier on between her and dad her and the hubby and the thing is the kids can pick it up the kids can pick it up. 

One of the best gifts married couples can give their children is a good marriage does that make sense? Remember when little babies are growing up little babies are developing their primary experience of what the world is like is what is mom and dad like mom and dad is constantly fighting right they start thinking the world is a dangerous place I must always be protecting myself and they literally grow up like that remember your personality is formed in those 10 first 10 years of your life. So um the atmosphere and the climate we create is so important. As parents we are social architects and architects designed this wonderful building that we're in but as a parent you're a social architect and you see many of us are very good at preparing to go to work let's be honest you know you heard Joey's story what she was like where her identity was in her work we're good at preparing to go to work we dress up nicely, we talk nicely you know we give them our best intellectually right, but if we honest to ourselves very often the people we say we care about the most, they get our leftovers and very often that happens the reason that happens is because we're good at preparing to go to work we're not that good at preparing to go back home afterwards. 

When I get onto the highway and I drive back to centurion after this, guess what, I have to start putting my dad cap on I’ve started putting my husband cap on because those are the roles I’m going to play there and the mood that I’m in, the emotional state I’m in, as I arrive at home will determine how the rest of the evening will be because as parents as husbands as wives we are social architects does that make sense? Okay. Let me give you one more um we'll see what our time is like one more conversation.

I want to give you the needs conversation, the needs conversation, um one of the things we struggle with Elana is communicating our needs because when I share my needs I’m making myself vulnerable, right, I make myself vulnerable and a lot of us in our marriages we're not in that space where we can make ourselves vulnerable, sometimes we don't communicate our needs because there's shame around certain needs for example need for sexual intimacy for example a lot of people just bury themselves in their work they just disappear they just ghost their spouses right, because there's a sense of shame around that so we suppress those needs but whatever you resist will persist it comes out in other ways and a lot of couples protest okay. I know their number of ladies and so on but you'll find that happening how do you protest let me give you the scenario, you find you're upset because hubby is coming home late. Instead of communicating the deep need what do you do become nit-picky right you become very critical which is dangerous for the marriage isn't it right but if you made yourself vulnerable guess what you would do, you'd say what the real need is, honey I’m really missing you honey I wish we could just have more couch time together, without the kids, just dreaming not talking admin not talking kids. Remember your children feel more secure when they see there's the bond between mom and dad. Children have no problem when you say sorry Jades, sorry that's my middle son, sorry Jades, I’m just talking to mom can you just give us five minutes? He doesn't feel rejected he feels more secure because he knows dad loves mom does that make sense okay so a lot of times we don't communicate our needs, so the needs conversation works something like this. I say what my need is so I might say to my wife, my love a deep need I have in this marriage is a need to feel admired by my wife, so you state the need right, and then what you do is you try to catch them when they're doing the right thing, so you don't just focus on when they do the wrong thing you try and fix it okay, so I say by my pressure a need I have in this marriage is to feel admired by my wife okay. 

When you share with your folks some of my achievements and my accomplishments that need is met, when you ask me for input on important issues in your life that need is met, when you quote me when you're teaching or preaching that need is met, okay, can you see what ends up happening is she replicates the behavior because it was very specific. Now the honest truth is a lot of people don't do that, some years ago I was speaking to some guys at Murray & Roberts and I was challenging them I said you engineers you're just like auditors you've been (no offense if you're an engineer or auditor), you've been trained to spot the blips, what I mean by that spotting the blips you've been trying to spot the blips and that makes you a good engineer it makes you a good auditor but the problem is when you're now managing people you're doing what we call management by exception, in other words, you only have conversations with your people when there's a problem, you're always cancelling the one-on-ones with them because you're like no problem hey everything's fine so we don't need to meet and the funny thing is it translates to our marriages doesn't it, where we only say things when there's a problem to fix, instead of saying I caught you doing something I really like, let me celebrate it!

Another need that you might want to communicate I might say something like a need I have in our marriage is the need to feel sexually attractive to my wife it's a real need and there's no shame, there's no shame around it right, and I might say when you initiate sexual intimacy that need is met when you initiate sexual intimacy from time to time, secondly when you say I love you with that look on your face that need is met, thirdly when you touch me in this way around the corner when the kids are not looking, that need is met, does that make sense? You're communicating a very valid need in your marriage and maybe I can maybe close with uh with it with another quick conversation, it's called the apology conversation.

You see, because that's healing (I’m just going to get up and leave the room), that healing is so crucial it's so crucial and a lot of times what we do is we struggle to actually say I’m sorry because of the power dynamics that take place in our marriages and many of us think that saying I’m sorry is the same as apologizing no saying I’m sorry is a part of an apology and the acronym I use is AIRRRR okay so it starts off with the A for air, is admission of wrongdoing, so it's where you say honey it was me who you who took your vehicle without asking and I went to Nelspruit with it okay so you acknowledge the specifics of what you did wrong right, then the I is impact, you acknowledge the impact on the other person I’m sure it puts you out because you know you couldn't run your errands you must have been so frustrated and confused thinking someone had stolen your car or one of the kids that taken it and they're not allowed to, that's the I for impact okay? Then the first R is remorse, that's where you then say that I’m sorry I feel terrible, I don't know what I was thinking and then the second R was this, the second R is restitution, this is what I’m going to do to make up for it, I’ve filled your tank up in fact the next time it's on service I see your vehicle is out of warranty next time you get it serviced it's on me right, that's restitution. And then the third R is reconciliation. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, so you can't demand forgiveness, you can't just say you need to get over this, right, you can't demand it. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, are we cool, are things fine between us now. 

And in the fourth R is a request you make, okay, and the request could be, you know what please can you be patient with me in this area I’ve got this tendency to just take people's cars, okay, I’m joking um, you could make a request like, please can I make a request that you pray for me in this particular area I think it's a bit of a weakness or can you can you warn me about this, can you be firm with me because this is not great it's a request you make in this situation can you not keep bringing it up on a day-to-day basis because I’ve moved on I'll never do it again, right.

I just won't take the car in the first place if it takes all that work, because no I think I think what was wonderful, the AIRRR. Paul's books are available at paulnyamuda.com, you can also find it in the link we'll tag him on social media so that you can find him.  Google his name and find some of the incredible videos and the work that he does. Also marriagecoach.co.za, because it's all about partnership and not just about marriage.

To our connection audience we're going to stay here, mingle a little bit, find some connecting and eat the cake that I’ve packed with these hands okay, I didn't, but you will eat cake. To you at home, please follow the social links and again thank you to our support to Fedhealth, Epimax, Jacaranda FM thank you so much, Joey Reekie you are a miracle, it's wonderful to see you. Paul Nyamuda thank you, we know that people want all your time and you have just changed lives not just in this room but beyond, and we will buy your books because we need to buy people's books.

This was our first Parents and Baby Brunch Connection Session. My name is Elana, thanks guys!